yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
