I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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