Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Someone signed my nipple.
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