why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
