I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
