Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
