i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
