the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
