Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
cat food counts as protein by the way
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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