yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
