Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
