Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
