Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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