Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
