and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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