areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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