Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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