I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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