he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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