Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
