I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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