Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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