even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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