i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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