I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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