put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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