FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
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