I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
