I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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