clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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