Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Everyone says I win the strip club
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