i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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