We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
