What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize