sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Enjoy the penises
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
