break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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