Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
