mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
