dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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