I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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