I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
