I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
