Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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