Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize