Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
