Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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