Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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