i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
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