you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
