I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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