Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
