Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
