I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
