My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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