The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
